14 Years...

Life should be so different.

It should be full of love and happiness.
It should be all that we wished for when we were young.
It should be spent with you, here with us.

So many hopes vanish with our child when they are taken from us...
So many dreams are buried with them...
So much love that became lost, remains captive in our hearts…
Sometimes that unhealed wound needs to be disturbed so the pain can be released.
Sometimes that pain is the only thing that can pierce the emptiness, the void, the ongoing grief.

Yes. I have so much to be thankful for. And I am. God has been good to me in many ways, and I am grateful for all that I have been blessed with.

And yes, time does pass. It may not heal, but it moves forward; always giving hope for better days.

Life is a little different now Jessica. I have retired from the workforce. And I am hoping for more joys in life, joys that can actually be felt - perhaps releasing the power that can remove this ironclad mask. And, if this could take place, maybe…hopefully... many of those agonizing moments of your final weeks, can finally find peace in my tormented soul.

You know Jessica, perhaps I am still young at heart, even though each letter to you adds to my years. And yet, as that number increases, I can't help but feel that my work is still not done; and as much as I hope to stay on this earth until it is, I am also at peace for our eventual reunion. And when that day does come, may God allow those who remain to think of us with love as they mourn, yet rejoice in His decision; for then, so much that had been lost, will be found again.

Fourteen years.

How...how have I survived?

"Everyone is afraid of dying, until you lose a child...

then you're afraid of living."

-Taken from Many Phases And Faces Of A Mother's Grief

Good night Miss Jessica.

I love you. Always.

"And no matter what anybody says about grief and about time healing all wounds, the truth is, there are certain sorrows that never fade away until the heart stops beating and the last breath is taken." 

-Tiffanie DeBartolo

13 years...

Today's message is not as impactful as others may have been. And as I read through the years, I find that to this date, I have failed in delivering your story. But, a journal of gratitude was born this year; a daily reminder of all that I have in my life, all of which I am both thankful and grateful for. I’d like to share yesterday, July 7:

I am grateful for the honor of caring for my loved ones after their passing. Especially for my daughter Jessica. And today, fresh flowers and trinkets of love were placed on her grave on a beautiful afternoon at Tod. The white billowing clouds filled the sky while a warm breeze floated around me. Yet through the peace, I found it difficult to hold back the tears that struggled to be set free. This surely isn’t how I imagined my life. She shouldn’t have had to leave us. So many questions still, in the midst of never ending heartache. But God writes our story, and I am asked to accept what is given. And as painful as it is...I do. So yes. I am truly grateful, and blessed, to be part of this sacred honor.

And now there's today. Your anniversary of 13 years. Tell me - did our nightmare take place yesterday, or a lifetime ago? My heart often battles with my mind when asked. It’s so hard to grasp that it’s yet one more year without your beautiful smile, your kind and loving soul, your amazing outlook on life. I miss so many things about you, and time hasn't found a way to ease that pain. But I continue to move forward with every day that I’m granted, because I know that is what you wanted, and one day, when it is my time, my heart will smile again.

Until then, good night Miss Jessica.
I love you. Always.

"When we die," asked Rabbit, "where do we go?"

"Into the hearts of those who have loved us most," said Bear.

"That way we're together forever."

-T. Shannon

Twelve...

Every anniversary is difficult; this one is no exception. And every year as it appears, I write with the intent to be positive about life, because good does exist, although my heart begs to differ. 

Twelve.
How can it be twelve years since you left us? How can it still feel like yesterday as well as a lifetime ago? How is it that the void still consumes my entire being?

Much of life has remained the same this past year, yet change has surely evolved. We've all learned to adjust to survive the pandemic, but the world is still divided on so many issues, both political and humanitarian. The children are growing and thriving, despite the months of upheaval. And through it all, everyone here on earth has been doing their best to reclaim what feels normal.

Normal.  What is normal? The heartache that never rests? The dreams that will never see life? The future that will never come to be...

My thought of late was to bring closure to this site, along with it's ever present sorrow. But your Aunt Karin encouraged me to continue, if only for your anniversary tribute. Within this conversation to move onward, a new purpose in life emerged for me. I know it won't come easily, quickly, or without difficulty, but it's time to tell the full story. Your story. Yours - where future generations can learn about love, strength, and fortitude. About how their Jessica never gave up, even in her darkest days, and how her courageous smile always helped those around her feel at ease. How she never gave up hope...and refused to let us do so. Yes Jessica. You are, and always have been, an inspiration - and it never shined brighter than when you struggled the most...and I will do my best to make you proud as I show the world what a precious treasure it lost.

Good night Miss Jessica.
I love you. Always.

"There are places and moments in which one is so completely alone

that one sees the world entire."

-Jules Renard

Eleven years...

"I cannot think of anyone stronger
 than a mother who has lost her child and still breathes." 

-Robyna May

Eleven years. And I still keep trying to find that strength. To some, it may appear effortless, but when the mask is removed, the tears and anguish emerge.

Some days are harder than others; some years hold more struggle than most. That is the kind of year, that this year is for me. COVID-19, protests, political divide, so much unrest in our world; but the worst of it all, is not being able to hold my loved ones as tightly and often as before...

The universe challenges all that I know and has, yet once again, pierced the hole in my heart that continuously hopes to soften.

Hope. I, too, seek out hope. Hope to move forward, without moving back. Hope to find more joy, than sorrow. Hope to find more love, than heartache. Hope...to find peace.

My visit to Tod to place our ceremonial flowers did create a bit of that vision. The green, pink, and red carnations smiled as they were lovingly placed into the vase, with a butterfly pick, holding a butterfly trinket, that reads, "always in my thoughts and prayers". Because you are.

The warm breeze then embraced me as I marveled at the beautiful sky; while there on the ground, among the masses of clover, I saw the lone dandelion puff. Just. Like. Last year...

Can wishing upon this beautiful fluff of seed really make our dreams come true?

There is no answer. Only hope.

But, I did make a wish Jessica. For you. I wish that you have peace; the elusive peace that I so desire. May Heaven be all that we pray for it to be, as I wish, and hope, that one day, you will be there to welcome me home.

And then, perhaps, I will, have peace.

Good night Miss Jessica.
I love you. Always.

"Everyone we love builds a home in our heart. 

And when they are gone, we spend eternity staring at their empty seat." 

-Shakieb Orgunwall

Ten Years

Every year on this date, I selfishly wish for the same thing: to have the hours of this day move quickly, and with less heartache than those of years past. And yet somehow...it never does.

My entire being has been struggling, attempting to grasp the fact that you’ve been gone for 10 years. And, through it all, I still can't help but wonder how different life would be, if only God had allowed you to stay with us.

And with that I look back. One year ago. My words. So my dear Jessica...with love in our hearts and fear in our back pocket, let our next journey begin.

I've not done well with fulfilling that promise...

Ironically though, while visiting you at the cemetery yesterday, I caught sight of a dandelion puff. The only one among all of the flowers and the vast clover field. It kept my attention, begging me to capture its essence. I immortalized it. Once home, I did what any of us would do...I googled it and found these symbolisms on flowermeaning.com:
   Healing from emotional pain and physical injury alike
   Surviving through all challenges and difficulties
   Getting your wish fulfilled

My wish. Jessica, maybe there is hope after all. Maybe that optimism that once filled my soul will  resurface, and our next journey can truly begin. Maybe the answers to so many questions will finally reveal themselves. Maybe, just maybe, I will finally find my peace...

Good night Miss Jessica.
I love you. Always.

"In the end, we'll all become stories."

-Margaret Atwood

Birthday Wishes

Birthdays can be bittersweet, but none more so than today's. I know that the struggle is real for me, and each year, on this  date, I can only imagine how difficult it is for Stefanie.

Today marks the 10th celebration without Jessica. Ten birthdays with only one cake. Ten birthdays with only one heart sharing in it... 

Yet, I am comforted. I know that Jessica is celebrating with more of our family who have joined her, as we celebrate all that we continue to be blessed with, while we also remember the joyous times that we once shared together.

For your birthdays this year, I want to make the wishes. I wish for my angels to have the peace that we crave for them both. And, I wish for Stefanie to know just how complete she truly is, even without her best friend standing by her side.

Stefanie-you have taught us all how to survive after a horrendous loss, and you do so with such grace. You are a lovable, thoughtful, strong, and caring person, and I am so proud of all that you have become. I wish you a wonderful day, not because it's your birthday, but because you deserve all that is good. And special. Just like you. 

And yes, I can hear Jessica wishing you the same...

Lastly, my wish for us all is to enjoy this day, while giving thanks for what we now have, for all that we've enjoyed in the past, and for that which is yet to be.

Happy Birthday Jessica.
Happy Birthday Stefanie.
I wish you each a beautiful day.

I love you both with all my heart. Always.

When it rains, look for rainbows. When it's dark, look for stars.

 -Unknown.

Nine years

Time, I've been told, heals all wounds. In my heart I know the potential exists. And although I still carry the same hope and optimism that I held a year ago, much has changed to hinder Time's intent.  Jessica, you continue to reunite with family; I continue to lose mine as my parents, your Oma and Opa, have both now joined you in Heaven, taking with them yet another piece of my shattered heart.

We all learn to live with grief if we are given the privilege of truly living and loving in our lifetime. But once grief has taken hold, it will gain power and strength, if left unharnessed.

My grief of late swells and subsides, and at times overwhelms, as emotions implode. Memories of our last holiday together, from the confines of your hospital room, flood my thoughts with each display of colored light and thunderous sound.

And attempts to take control back from my grief are often in vain. But I won't let grief win.

I know that I have so much to be thankful for and grateful for. And I am. Not only for all that I have now, but for all that I was blessed with in the past. And I vow to do my best to find the good in each day, and honor your memory by living life to the fullest, just as you always did Jessica, even when fate kept altering your plans.

So my dear Jessica...with love in our hearts and fear in our back pocket, let our next journey begin.

Good night Miss Jessica.
I love you. Always.

We've got to live, no matter how many skies have fallen.

-D. H. Lawrence, Lady Chatterley's